Wahey! I am so pleased. You must let me know what you think when you’ve read it :)
I posted last week asking people if they knew of some good resources for male victims of sexual assault. Here is the list people came up with:
Thanks to the people that sent me this link, I appreciate it.
Great post is great. Thank you for compiling.
Huzzah! Thank you for supporting!
This is not an attitude of the past. This is not an attitude that reigned in the early 20th century and was beaten back by campaigners arguing for full social inclusion. It’s something that continues to be an issue, and enough of one that some disabled people have very legitimate reason to fear that their children may be taken away from them by authorities who deem them unfit to parent. These fears may be pooh-poohed, especially in discussions about reproductive rights, where the idea that some people need to fight to keep their children is viewed as somewhat whimsical or unlikely and the focus is on unplanned and unwanted pregnancy.
Hi, there should be a link up on the main page of the blog in the column to the right? Here’s the link again anyway. Ta!
The more time I spend on Tumblr, the more I realise that some people just don’t know how to apologise properly. These seems to cause a lot of unnecessary drama and hurt. With that in mind, here is my handy-guide to apologising.
How to apologise:
- Say sorry and mean it.
- Acknowledge what you did that was wrong.
a) If you don’t know what you did, avoid further interaction until you have figured it out. Ask friends or family for their perspective, or risk asking the person you upset/offended (note: this person doesn’t owe you an explanation but they might take the time and give you one).
- Acknowledge why your behaviour/words were wrong.
a) If you don’t know why it was wrong, refer to step 2a.
- Acknowledge what you understand of why the other person is so upset.
- Promise not to do it again.
- Explain the measures you will take to prevent it happening again.
- Say sorry again.
- Hope the person will forgive you (note: they are under no obligation do so and this should not affect your apology at all).
- Learn from the incident (and by this I mean check your privilege and remain aware of that privilege).
- Move on with your life and begin implementing measures from step 5.
- Make sure measures from step 5 are effective (rinse, lather and repeat).
“I’m sorry for calling you ‘crazy’. It was wrong of me to use mental health to dismiss what you were saying. It was ableist and, now that I know how much it upsets you, I won’t do it again. I will be sure to learn more about ableism, and I will definitely be more careful of the words I use in future. I’m really sorry and I hope you can forgive me.”
By contrast, this is a terrible apology (never do the bits in bold):
“I’m sorry if you were offended, but there’s no need to be sensitive about it or anything. If you could just calm down you’d realise I didn’t mean to insult you. I use that word all the time and no one else gets upset.
[Image: An animated black and white gif of a person in a suit in the audience at a theater clapping. Their face is superimposed with a cartoon face, all furrowed brows and tears welling in the eyes]
This is a really great post, and not intended to be snarky (I don’t think). Everyone messes up, it happens a lot. Some people genuinely do not know that some things they say may be hurtful to others, but if told that this is the case, it is always great to attempt to say sorry in a way that won’t cause further hurt and that shows true ownership of the mistake. Apologies, when genuinely made, are brilliant and can go some way towards healing.
i love how i can’t talk about how our culture glamorizes skinniness and encourages eating disordered behavior without getting flooded with messages about how horrible i am for shaming people with mental illness
I’ve been watching this unfold on my dash and I don’t think what you said was out of line. Indeed, many folks are prevented from getting help sooner with their EDs (especially if they are not obviously underweight) because, to a degree, their behaviour is encouraged by society. I’m not saying there isn’t a lot of stigma involved here, because there is: but, it can be hard to find a path to healing when you’re receiving positive feedback from your peers about the weight loss associated with what is, in element, a mental illness. This can push people to continue down a destructive path. I’ve seen it happen to people I know and it’s horrible.
Hello chaps, the lovely folks at @notaloneatxmas are encouraging the tag #notaloneatxmas on twitter for those out there who are spending this festive season without company, perhaps not by choice, and who are feeling a little lonely. Reach out to someone who may need it irl if you can and, if you’re on twitter, perhaps join in and have a chat with someone there who may need to hear some friendly words today. In a season that encourages togetherness, friendship and family, this can be an especially hard time for those who are on the fringes of society for whatever reason. Sometimes just a hallo or smile is all it takes to help keep someone from the depths of unhappiness. Look after each other, xxx
also i hate it when people post things like “appreciate your family” this time of year. makes me feel bad about myself and my life.
Backed. Some people come from family situations that it’s best to release themselves from. Ain’t no shame in that. Enjoy this festive season with whomever you are happiest and most comfortable around: create your own family. x
I see a lot of discussions on tumblr about privilege, most notably the binary between the oppressors and the oppressed. The Internet provides a space for many silenced voices to be heard, which provides an ambivalent space for me to navigate as a feminist, queer, radical, person of color.
I’m just going to be blunt and cut the jargon.
We need to fucking heal together.
Fighting amongst each other in semantics battles and screaming at each other only does work to divide us.
Have we forgotten the teachings of Audre Lorde? Our differences are our strengths, let it inform our activism and guide our words.
Here’s the thing about privilege: it’s unearned. That’s right, privilege isn’t something that people ask for, nor is it something to feel guilty about. What’s important is that you understand that your position, your unearned advantages, create limitations and boundaries, whether it’s epistimological (knowledge-based) or material. This means you aren’t going to know a whole lot of shit about other positions because you haven’t experienced them, and never will. Meaning, if we want to heal together and move forward, we have to be open to the idea that we don’t know and therefore, should listen to each other so that we can learn and grow.
In feminist ethics and post colonial studies, giving equal weight to all voices has become incredibly important, especially to the disenfranchised subject. Theory has often been a site of empowerment for disenfranchised people(s)—people of color, queer and trans folk, poor people—but in my experience, theory doesn’t heal. Theory allows you to articulate the fucked up shit that you’ve known all along, how unfair it is to be targeted by the police, glares and stares of strangers, assumptions made about you in relationships with others, etc. But theory doesn’t give you what you need to heal those wounds, it empowers you to find ways to do that.
One of the best ways to heal that I’ve found has been through community building and finding intimate connections with other people: intellectually, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. However (I’m guilty too), often times arguments over privilege, policing of language (that’s racist, that’s abelist, therefore you’re a horrible person conversations), and elitist theories can turn community building / healing spaces in to violent spaces. I think these battles and arguments about privilege often create tension and animosity between groups that should be learning and growing from/with each other.
We all want to change the fucked up status quo. Let’s start with something we can manage: the spaces we create, the relationships we have each other, and the connections that we build. Yelling and screaming at each other about being privileged (white, cis, abel-bodied) or trying to defend one’s privileged position to legitimize themselves in spaces (thus erasing a lot of violent experiences of others) are counter-productive to the healing that we all need to do before we can tackle the behemoth of the fucked up world we live in. Listen to each other, let our different privileges and experiences inform knowledges about ourselves, and let’s do our best to create our utopian visions of an anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic world in our community building efforts.
THIS is what my disorganized thoughts have been trying to voice (well, more detialed). We gotta stop fighting to get anyway.
Was thinking of an example earlier. Two people are walking in a field where they will direct walk into other. Both have been walking like that without troubles and are “right” to be walking that way. In order not to crash, either one of them has to move aside, or either has to move halfway aside. If one of them is forced to move aside alone, that one will feel resentment because they had to change for the other, but the other didn’t. If both move aside, it will be more equal. If neither moves, they crash and cannot continue.
reblogging an old post of mine because I see a lot of discussions of privilege-shaming or oppression olympics going around tumblr.
read it, live it.
A letter written by Mr. Stephen Fry to a girl suffering from depression (Fry himself has diagnosed bipolar disorder).
I’m so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I’m not sure there’s any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its savour. Although they mean well, it’s sometimes quite galling to be reminded how much people love you when you don’t love yourself that much.
I’ve found that it’s of some help to think of one’s moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather.
Here are some obvious things about the weather:
You can’t change it by wishing it away.
If it’s dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can’t alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.
It will be sunny one day.
It isn’t under one’s control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
It really is the same with one’s moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness – these are as real as the weather – AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE’S CONTROL. Not one’s fault.
They will pass: they really will.
In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. “Today’s a crap day”, is a perfectly realistic approach. It’s all about finding a mental umbrella. “Hey-ho, it’s raining inside: it isn’t my fault and there’s nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage.”
I don’t know if any of that is of any use: it may not seem it, and if so, I’m sorry. I just thought I’d drop you a line to wish you well in your search to find a little more pleasure and purpose in life.
Very best wishes,
My dad is caring for a new young guy with psychosis. This chap lives alone and has had one Christmas card this year: from the healthcare company that employs my dad…
My nurse from the ICU sent me Christmas cards for several years. I was in such a terrible place and the fact she cared enough about me to keep me on her christmas list meant a lot to me.
That is really sweet. I don’t mind admitting I teared up a little when I read that…